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I am the friend…

who lost his best friend today.  I can't move, can't speak. I crumple into myself. I never knew. He never told me anything. I saw them, heard them taunt him. They dragged him down…down…till that smile of his was just a ghost.
I didn't know it hurt him so much. But somehow I knew someday I would have to face this. I saw the shadows forming, the future setting itself up. I wanted to grip him, pull him close, and never let him go. He had been my best friend, the kid I couldn't think of never seeing again because I never had to. I feared the day that I would wake up and know I would never see him again.
And it came and I don't know what to do. There's nowhere to turn, no one to call, and I wonder if this hollowness will be there forever.


I am the mother…

who has to bury her son years before his time. I never knew what went on in his head. I saw his face, saw the fear in his eyes, but I could never break through. He wouldn't tell me. He was too strong or maybe I wasn't there for him like I should have been. I don't know. I just want my baby back.
I read his note, his scared little scratches in a note book, his need reaching out through the page, and that's all I have. It's the only explanation of why. I wish I could step back, go backward knowing what I do know and make it all better. Make the nightmares go away.  
If I would have known I would have loved him no matter what. He never had to hide.
And now I stand over my child's coffin and all I can see is the little boy I will never see again. There's nowhere to turn, no one to call, and I wonder if I could have done better.

I am the father…

who never will see his son again. I wish I could find those who had done this to my boy and show them how much they tore my family apart. No one should ever have to hold his wife over their boy's remains. I never want to be here again. I never want another father to feel this pain. These feelings, they tear a person apart.
I stare down and I know I can never take back all the harsh words I have said to him, all the times I had pushed him too far in school, in sports. I didn't know he was so broken inside, so scared of what I would think if I had known that he liked boys. I want to take him, tell him it doesn't matter. Tell him he's my boy and no matter what I love him.
But I can't and that hurts the most. He will never know and no matter how much I want to go back, I can't.
And all I want is my child back and to hug him one more time. There's nowhere to turn, no one to call, and I need to know if I can forgive myself.

I am the sister…

who found her brother's body the day he committed suicide. I can't get him out of my mind. He didn't look like my brother anymore. All I remember is calling his name and he never got up. All I can remember is holding his still body in my arms, crying for whoever is up there to give him back to me.
I didn't want to lose my brother, I couldn't. I needed him too much. He needed me and I failed him. Now I can never say I'm sorry.
He told me everything one night. He was so scared. I promised not to tell, but I wish I had. I wish I'd screamed about it all. Yelled about what drove my brother to kill himself so I would never have to remember finding him laying on floor, my nightmare come alive.
And maybe if I did I would still have him with me and I can try to make it all better. There's nowhere to turn, no one to call, and I want my big brother back.

I am the boyfriend…

who lost the boy I loved more than anything. We were a secret. He needed someone so much and all I want was to give him everything. I tried to fight for him, shield him from all the bad.
But I did so wrong.  One wrong person saw us kissing, and something started. I couldn't do anything because I was a victim too and there was nowhere to turn.
I loved him so much, I tried my hardest, but I saw him withdrawn into himself. I couldn't get him to come out. All I wanted was for him to get better. I ran for help, tried to get someone to see him, but he was a secret. No one could know about us.
And now I wonder if I should have tried harder and have never have left him alone. There's nowhere to turn, no one to call, and all I want to know is if we would have made it.

I am the one…

who sent him the text the night he died. I never meant for him to do it. I was only doing what my friend told me. I never thought I was hurting anyone. Never did I realize that I would kill someone. I never meant that.
It was a joke, I swear I never would want anyone to die. I wish I never did it. I told him no one cared, no one would ever care if he just disappeared. I don't know why I did it. I didn't like him or what he was doing with that other boy, neither did my friend, but somehow I never realized what I was doing was hurting him so badly.
I saw his family, saw their broken faces and I can't get them out of my head. I don't know if they think I am some terrible person, but they should. I did something horrible. I took their son away forever.
And now I am going to get tried for murder and I have no idea if I deserve to be let go. There's nowhere to turn, no one to call, and all I wish I could do is scream I'm sorry.

I am the kid…

who watched as they pushed that kid around. I hadn't known him, never thought about him. I just kept walking. I never should have walked away.  If I knew that kid would take himself out to escape them all I would have stood up, I would have made a stand.
Some call him weak for what he did, taking the easy way out, but all I see is a boy who thought suicide was his only way out. All I see it a boy who was too scared to be brave.
I will never see him again and all I can think is how I turned my back. Now I see all the other who turned away and wonder if they too wish they could have made it all stop. I wonder if they think they helped kill that boy because I think I did.
I never said a word and it is just as bad as the bullying, the taunting. It's just as bad as telling that kid to die. I think what I did was worse. I looked him in the eye, saw his fear, saw he needed someone, and I ignored him because he was different. Because I was just as scared.
And I want to go back and take a stand. There's nowhere to turn, no one to call, and I'll know forever that I helped kill a boy.

I am the boy…

who committed suicide because the pain was just too much. I never meant to hurt anyone. I was too scared of what people would think, I was too scared to realize I could find help. All I could see was the boy in the mirror I hated so much. The love in me that seemed so wrong.
I didn't want anyone to find out. I didn't want my dad to throw me out, I didn't want to see mom cry, I didn't want my best friend to leave me. My boyfriend was getting hurt because I wasn't strong enough to stand up for us. It was my fault they found out. My fault they taunted him. My fault I hurt him so much.
I left a note because I was too scared to tell the people I love that I was gay. The silence in me broke just long enough to give the reason why I did this. I left them before they could all leave me.
And now I have no other choices and I wonder if I did the right thing. There's nowhere to turn, no one to call, and I'll never know what would have become of me.
Something I thought of while doing a puzzle.

Thinking of doing a whole story of this.

Suicide I don't believe is the answer. I realize there are tons of ways of I could have written this, but I like this one the most.

If there's errors in here somewhere, could you all tell me so I can fix them? Thanks.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconemchompski:
EmChompski Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014
This is probably the best thing I've read on DA... Seriously I'm fucking crying right now, but what you wrote is so beautiful and I want to show it to so many people so that they'll never bully a boy for being gay. Thank you for this.
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh wow, thank you. Your comment made my day.
Reply
:iconawsum14:
awsum14 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012
wow...it brought tears to my eyes
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh. Wow. Thanks? I dunno. I usually try not to make people cry.
Reply
:iconawsum14:
awsum14 Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012
haha it was very good though....very sad though
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah... I tend to be good at sad.
Reply
:iconawsum14:
awsum14 Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012
sometimes it is a good thing, captivates the audience
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
True, true.
Reply
:iconloeybearcanfly:
LoeyBearCanFly Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Oh my god.. This is so amazing.
Breaks my heart.
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh...sorry about your heart...
Reply
:iconsaper505:
Saper505 Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
D:
So powerful. I'm trying not to cry.
But, wow.
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. Don't worry, I cried writing it. Got kind of annoying trying to see the screen.
Reply
:iconsaper505:
Saper505 Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Haha :)
You write well :)
It's sad that this actually happens though ._.
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I know. I wish it didn't, but wishing doesn't do much.
Reply
:icon5ninjasonastickynote:
5ninjasonastickynote Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow.... I'm not even sire what to say. As soon as I realized what it was about I started crying because...suicide crosses my mind a lot due to things like this and it is so hard not to do it but I am doing mu best to hang on....
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Your not the only one. Hanging on is all there is to do at some points, and it can get hard, but its worth it. Thanks.
Reply
:icon5ninjasonastickynote:
5ninjasonastickynote Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Except most of the time I really DON'T want to hang on.... But I guess eventually it will most definitely be worth it.
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah, I know the feeling. Every time I get that way I do something I like. That's kind of how this story came to be. (Not going to spout anything sappy)
Reply
:icon5ninjasonastickynote:
5ninjasonastickynote Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I look at my friends' stuff on dA. Or write.
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh, I love looking at art too when I get that way as well.
Reply
:icongreendaygirl18:
GreenDayGirl18 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This really touched me. I lost someone dear to me four years ago due to an accident. And I never got to tell him how much I loved him and how sorry I am for being a bitch to him.
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow. I'm sorry for your loss, even if it was a four years ago. Thank you.
Reply
:icongreendaygirl18:
GreenDayGirl18 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you are welcome. I love this piece because it gave me something to think about and that youngsters out there and their loved ones alike have it so tough. Thank you for submitting it!
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm glad you liked it so much.
Reply
:icongreendaygirl18:
GreenDayGirl18 Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I do. It is so deep!
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I tried....I guess its not a fail then. :D
Reply
:icongreendaygirl18:
GreenDayGirl18 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Nope,it's not. It's a WIN!
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconnaruto-ii:
Naruto-II Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
So strong, and very well written! I almost cried at this, and the fact that my Media Player started playing a very sad piano tune didn't help >.> But it is a wonderful piece, bravo!

One little thing though: In the 'mother' part, you say
his need reaching out threw the page
Threw is past tense of throwing. So his need reached out and threw the page... Through makes a lot more sense here XD
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
OH! Thanks. Yeah, sad piano music may not help. :P Thank you.
Reply
:iconpyraisbored:
PyraIsBored Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Although I don't respect suicide, I must say, this piece was very powerful and well done! It really got the message across. I practically want to pass this on to my friends now. Job well done :)
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. Yes, I don't like suicide very much, it hurts so many people.
Reply
:iconpyraisbored:
PyraIsBored Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You're welcome :) And it does :( It's such a shame
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I know, such a shame.
Reply
:iconstr3ssball:
Str3ssBall Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012
Very powerful, I think you conveyed the emotion that all parties are feeling. Thank you for taking the time write it and share it.
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for commenting. :D
Reply
:icondizzyatdizumnl:
Dizzyatdizumnl Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012
This is wonderfully moving, IF. You sure do have a way with words. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions with us. It has to be said and you have a great way of saying it. :hug:

ps typo.. Mother... his need reaching out "through" the page
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ah ha ha. Yes, someone else also said that one. Don't worry, on it right now.

Thank you.
Reply
:icondizzyatdizumnl:
Dizzyatdizumnl Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012
:)
Reply
:iconmandymullins2:
MandyMullins2 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012
Oh my....never has a DA story made me cry like this! I'm crying as I write this! Your words are so strong, it feels so real...maybe this particular instance isn't real, but things like this really do happen every day!

I don't believe suicide is the answer either, and I never understood it. I've never wanted to do it, but I have many friends who have wanted to, and a few who have tried it. It makes me sad and angry and confused as to why they'd do it :tears:
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah...I kind of cried while writing it. Yeah, the story is fictional, but I tried to make it as real as possible.

Yes, me too. I try to help those who need it when it comes to that kind of thing.
Reply
:iconmandymullins2:
MandyMullins2 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012
Yeah :huggle:.

I've had so many friends who wanted to end it all that I get paranoid every time one of my friends claims he or she "can't take it anymore"...why do I have so many friends who want to die? :tears:
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't think I can answer that last question because I don't even have an answer for my own friends.
Reply
:iconmandymullins2:
MandyMullins2 Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012
:huggle:
Reply
:iconpikachuandmcr:
pikachuandmcr Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That was beautifully touching<3
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you.
Reply
:icontakefujo:
Takefujo Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012  Student General Artist
Omg, I am crying. This is so moving! Thank you for this.
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for reading it. I just got done doing a revise and I'm almost crying too.
Reply
:icontakefujo:
Takefujo Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012  Student General Artist
Well, it is a very moving piece!
Reply
:iconbabydeer-draws:
BabyDeer-Draws Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks again.
Reply
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