I am the friend
who lost his best friend today. I can't move, can't speak. I crumple into myself. I never knew. He never told me anything. I saw them, heard them taunt him. They dragged him down
till that smile of his was just a ghost.
I didn't know it hurt him so much. But somehow I knew someday I would have to face this. I saw the shadows forming, the future setting itself up. I wanted to grip him, pull him close, and never let him go. He had been my best friend, the kid I couldn't think of never seeing again because I never had to. I feared the day that I would wake up and know I would never see him again.
And it came and I don't know what to do. There's nowhere to turn, no one to call, and I wonder if this hollowness will be there forever.
I am the mother
who has to bury her son years before his time. I never knew what went on in his head. I saw his face, saw the fear in his eyes, but I could never break through. He wouldn't tell me. He was too strong or maybe I wasn't there for him like I should have been. I don't know. I just want my baby back.
I read his note, his scared little scratches in a note book, his need reaching out through the page, and that's all I have. It's the only explanation of why. I wish I could step back, go backward knowing what I do know and make it all better. Make the nightmares go away.
If I would have known I would have loved him no matter what. He never had to hide.
And now I stand over my child's coffin and all I can see is the little boy I will never see again. There's nowhere to turn, no one to call, and I wonder if I could have done better.
I am the father
who never will see his son again. I wish I could find those who had done this to my boy and show them how much they tore my family apart. No one should ever have to hold his wife over their boy's remains. I never want to be here again. I never want another father to feel this pain. These feelings, they tear a person apart.
I stare down and I know I can never take back all the harsh words I have said to him, all the times I had pushed him too far in school, in sports. I didn't know he was so broken inside, so scared of what I would think if I had known that he liked boys. I want to take him, tell him it doesn't matter. Tell him he's my boy and no matter what I love him.
But I can't and that hurts the most. He will never know and no matter how much I want to go back, I can't.
And all I want is my child back and to hug him one more time. There's nowhere to turn, no one to call, and I need to know if I can forgive myself.
I am the sister
who found her brother's body the day he committed suicide. I can't get him out of my mind. He didn't look like my brother anymore. All I remember is calling his name and he never got up. All I can remember is holding his still body in my arms, crying for whoever is up there to give him back to me.
I didn't want to lose my brother, I couldn't. I needed him too much. He needed me and I failed him. Now I can never say I'm sorry.
He told me everything one night. He was so scared. I promised not to tell, but I wish I had. I wish I'd screamed about it all. Yelled about what drove my brother to kill himself so I would never have to remember finding him laying on floor, my nightmare come alive.
And maybe if I did I would still have him with me and I can try to make it all better. There's nowhere to turn, no one to call, and I want my big brother back.
I am the boyfriend
who lost the boy I loved more than anything. We were a secret. He needed someone so much and all I want was to give him everything. I tried to fight for him, shield him from all the bad.
But I did so wrong. One wrong person saw us kissing, and something started. I couldn't do anything because I was a victim too and there was nowhere to turn.
I loved him so much, I tried my hardest, but I saw him withdrawn into himself. I couldn't get him to come out. All I wanted was for him to get better. I ran for help, tried to get someone to see him, but he was a secret. No one could know about us.
And now I wonder if I should have tried harder and have never have left him alone. There's nowhere to turn, no one to call, and all I want to know is if we would have made it.
I am the one
who sent him the text the night he died. I never meant for him to do it. I was only doing what my friend told me. I never thought I was hurting anyone. Never did I realize that I would kill someone. I never meant that.
It was a joke, I swear I never would want anyone to die. I wish I never did it. I told him no one cared, no one would ever care if he just disappeared. I don't know why I did it. I didn't like him or what he was doing with that other boy, neither did my friend, but somehow I never realized what I was doing was hurting him so badly.
I saw his family, saw their broken faces and I can't get them out of my head. I don't know if they think I am some terrible person, but they should. I did something horrible. I took their son away forever.
And now I am going to get tried for murder and I have no idea if I deserve to be let go. There's nowhere to turn, no one to call, and all I wish I could do is scream I'm sorry.
I am the kid
who watched as they pushed that kid around. I hadn't known him, never thought about him. I just kept walking. I never should have walked away. If I knew that kid would take himself out to escape them all I would have stood up, I would have made a stand.
Some call him weak for what he did, taking the easy way out, but all I see is a boy who thought suicide was his only way out. All I see it a boy who was too scared to be brave.
I will never see him again and all I can think is how I turned my back. Now I see all the other who turned away and wonder if they too wish they could have made it all stop. I wonder if they think they helped kill that boy because I think I did.
I never said a word and it is just as bad as the bullying, the taunting. It's just as bad as telling that kid to die. I think what I did was worse. I looked him in the eye, saw his fear, saw he needed someone, and I ignored him because he was different. Because I was just as scared.
And I want to go back and take a stand. There's nowhere to turn, no one to call, and I'll know forever that I helped kill a boy.
I am the boy
who committed suicide because the pain was just too much. I never meant to hurt anyone. I was too scared of what people would think, I was too scared to realize I could find help. All I could see was the boy in the mirror I hated so much. The love in me that seemed so wrong.
I didn't want anyone to find out. I didn't want my dad to throw me out, I didn't want to see mom cry, I didn't want my best friend to leave me. My boyfriend was getting hurt because I wasn't strong enough to stand up for us. It was my fault they found out. My fault they taunted him. My fault I hurt him so much.
I left a note because I was too scared to tell the people I love that I was gay. The silence in me broke just long enough to give the reason why I did this. I left them before they could all leave me.
And now I have no other choices and I wonder if I did the right thing. There's nowhere to turn, no one to call, and I'll never know what would have become of me.